Holy cow, this is hard. Almost as hard as the very, very, remedial math class I've been stuck in thanks to the all seeing, all knowing Compass test which, after most likely gasping in horror at my score, laughed sadistically as it unceremoniously booted me into the arithmetic hinterlands along with all the other certifiable math morons.
But writing...writing has never been particularly hard. Sure, I do routinely have problems formulating what I want to say, that is, when I actually realize I HAVE something to say. Sometimes words, or the right words, elude me and I go off on a fruitless search for them, somewhat akin to a blind man looking for his glasses in dark room on a moonless night without a flashlight. Occasionally I find them, or some of them, but usually only after stubbing my toe on the furniture numerous times.
Most of my writing has been in the form of emails, or work related, or just personal musings meant only for me. I admit, I have started and never finished two or three or seventeen great American novels, the latest after a good amount of unpleasant prodding from a published author friend of mine. Sadly that one too came to nothing. Not because it wasn't a good idea (I guess, maybe, ok, i don't know) but simply because other things got in the way. That and I'm a world class procrastinator. But that writing is not generally all that hard. This college writing however is a goose of a different color and I've been sitting here trying to figure it out. I think I'm getting a handle on why.
Unlike my former attempts at writing, I know without a shadow of a doubt that whatever I put down is going to be read by other human beings. And not nameless, faceless human beings either, which is my typical audience when writing work related stuff, but people I will actually have to see and interact with in person. That puts a little different spin on it. What you might write in an email to a trusted friend, or late at night to yourself after one too many NoDoz tablets chased by a couple of Monster energy drinks may not be considered acceptable by idle acquaintances or fellow classmates. And that is the crux of it. When you write for public consumption you are opening yourself up to scrutiny. Not just your writing, but by extension your very soul. Essentially you are flinging open the doors and inviting all the neighbors in to poke and prod through the deepest darkest nooks and crannies of your brain. That can be unsettling. Do I really want to shine a spotlight on the way my mind works? What will they think? Will I be exposing myself as some kind of monstrous freak of nature? Will mothers quickly herd their children indoors while casting nervous glances over their shoulders at me?
On the other hand, should I care what others are thinking? Isn't it better to allow your mind to go where it will? It seems to make sense that greater accomplishments can be made when the mind is free of social constrain and is allowed to explore where it will. Also, people by nature are pretty self-absorbed. Probably 99% of what you say and do is NOT being overly analyzed by others, if it's even registering as a tiny blip on their radar at all. I'd say it's a good bet that while one individual is stressing about how others are going to perceive him or her, lots of other him or hers are stressing about the exact same thing. So what does it matter?
Of course, I could be completely and totally wrong and they really ARE out to get me.
No comments:
Post a Comment